Arguably the world’s most recognizable American family is the Simpson’s. With nearly 500 episodes and 22 seasons, they continue to fill our Sunday evenings with joy. Most of us gather round the TV with our own family and laugh at all the hysterical antics of theirs.

Being the patriarch that he is, Homer has laid forth quite a bit of knowledge on family and raising children. He may not be the perfect dad but he sure loves his kids, even if he has a weird way of showing it. We all might be able to learn a thing or two from him. Here are his 20 best quotes on parenting.

20.) “No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don’t like their jobs, they don’t go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American Way.”

19.) “OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, I’LL KILL YOU!”

18.) “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is never try.”

17.) “I don’t apologize. I am sorry Lisa, that’s the way I am.”

16.) “The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let’s see. Don’t tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you’re sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. What else…”

15.) “Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”

14.) “When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.”

13.) “I have to work overtime at work instead of spending time with my wife and kids, which is what I want.”

12.) “Kids are great, Apu. You can teach them to hate the things you hate and they practically raise themselves now-a-days, you know, with the internet and all.”

11.) “Marge, there’s an empty spot I’ve always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.”

10.) “I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.”

9.) “Don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.”

8.) “Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.”

7.) “Movies are the only escape from the drudgery of work and family … No offense.”

6.) “What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. ”

5.) “It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.”

4.) “Remember as far as anyone knows, we’re a nice normal family.”

3.) “Well, it’s 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids. ”

2.) “Kids, kids. As far as Daddy’s concerned, you’re both potential murderers.”

1.) “Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.”

The popularity of Pawn Stars has increased exponentially since its debut a few years ago. The mixture of haggling, buying, selling, pawning, the knowledge of the experts, the low-balling, the diversity of items and the charm of Rick, Big Hoss, Chumlee and The Old Man make this show undeniably entertaining.

There is no one, however, better than Richard “Old Man” Harrison when it comes to witty and hilarious quips. He’s often heard belittling the others and spitting his infinite wisdom for the them to learn and grow by. We’ve collected some of the best to spew forth from those large lips of his.

10.) “I don’t care what the little bastards say, I love the holidays. I just don’t like spending it with them.”

9.) “I swear every day, you two are the laziest people I know and if you cleaned the molasses out of your britches maybe we could make a dollar or two around this joint.”

8.) “I’m in such a good mood today that I might even crack a smile.”

7.) ‎”Kids don’t know how to play these days, and that’s what’s wrong with the damn world!”

6.) ‎”I dont understand horror movies. If you want horror, have a couple of kids.”

5.) “You two are pantin’ like a couple of boars at breedin time.”

4.) “Rick, I don’t want to hear it, you had a lady in here the other day that you could have talked down another couple thousand dollars, but you were just standing there smiling like a possum eating peach seeds.”

3.) ‎”It doesn’t matter what my profit margin is, I own the f@#$ing place.”

2.) ‎”Back in my day if you had a problem you got a bottle of Jack Daniels and dealt with it, these days kids just want wanna talk about feelings”

1.) ‎”Facebook sounds like a pain in the ass to me.”

With Steve Carell leaving The Office after this season, we thought we take a look at Michael Scott’s best quotes over the years. As the manager of the Scranton branch of paper and printer distribution company Dunder Mifflin Inc. he is responsible for not only leading his staff but also motivating them to do better. He often attempts this through his actions and through many a “wise” word.

As typical of Michael he rarely comes across as he believes himself to and this results in quite a bit of hilarity. It’s hard to dwindle down the things he has said over the course of his tenure to a small list (as there are hundreds) but we’ve tried to come up with the funniest.

15.) “I am Michael, and I am part English, Irish, German, and Scottish, sort of a virtual United Nations.”

14.) “Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, ‘Hey man, I love you this many dollars-worth.’”

13.) “Nobody likes beets, Dwight. You should grow something everybody does like. You should grow candy.”

12.) “Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.”

11.) “I’m friends with everybody in this office. We’re all best friends. I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late and start having dentist appointments that aren’t dentist appointments, and that is when it’s nice to let them know that you could beat them up.”

10.) “Between the sheets, we were like Jordan and Pippen.”

9.) “Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he’s really not a part of our family. Also, he’s divorced, so he’s really not a part of his family.”

8.) “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”

7.) “You don’t call retarded people retards. It’s bad taste. You call your friends retards … when they’re acting retarded.”

6.) “You may look around and see two groups here: white collar, blue collar. But I don’t see it that way, and you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.”

5.) “I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me. And I think it’s because they see me as one of them. But … cooler and with my life put together a little bit more. If a baby were president, there would be no taxes. There would be no war.”

4.) “My proudest moment here wasn’t when I increased profits by 17 percent, or cut expenditures without losing a single member of staff. No, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy, first job in the country, barely spoke a word of English, but he came to me and said, ‘Mr. Scott, will you be the godfather to my child?’ Didn’t work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.”

3.) “You’ll notice, I didn’t have anybody being Arab. I thought that would be too explosive, uh, no pun intended. But I just thought, “too soon” for Arabs, maybe next year. You know, the ball’s in their court.”

2.) “Happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party is so lame!”

1.) “If I had a gun, with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.”