15 Funniest Michael Scott Quotes


With Steve Carell leaving The Office after this season, we thought we take a look at Michael Scott’s best quotes over the years. As the manager of the Scranton branch of paper and printer distribution company Dunder Mifflin Inc. he is responsible for not only leading his staff but also motivating them to do better. He often attempts this through his actions and through many a “wise” word.

As typical of Michael he rarely comes across as he believes himself to and this results in quite a bit of hilarity. It’s hard to dwindle down the things he has said over the course of his tenure to a small list (as there are hundreds) but we’ve tried to come up with the funniest.

15.) “I am Michael, and I am part English, Irish, German, and Scottish, sort of a virtual United Nations.”

14.) “Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, ‘Hey man, I love you this many dollars-worth.'”

13.) “Nobody likes beets, Dwight. You should grow something everybody does like. You should grow candy.”

12.) “Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.”

11.) “I’m friends with everybody in this office. We’re all best friends. I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late and start having dentist appointments that aren’t dentist appointments, and that is when it’s nice to let them know that you could beat them up.”

10.) “Between the sheets, we were like Jordan and Pippen.”

9.) “Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he’s really not a part of our family. Also, he’s divorced, so he’s really not a part of his family.”

8.) “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”

7.) “You don’t call retarded people retards. It’s bad taste. You call your friends retards … when they’re acting retarded.”

6.) “You may look around and see two groups here: white collar, blue collar. But I don’t see it that way, and you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.”

5.) “I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me. And I think it’s because they see me as one of them. But … cooler and with my life put together a little bit more. If a baby were president, there would be no taxes. There would be no war.”

4.) “My proudest moment here wasn’t when I increased profits by 17 percent, or cut expenditures without losing a single member of staff. No, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy, first job in the country, barely spoke a word of English, but he came to me and said, ‘Mr. Scott, will you be the godfather to my child?’ Didn’t work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.”

3.) “You’ll notice, I didn’t have anybody being Arab. I thought that would be too explosive, uh, no pun intended. But I just thought, “too soon” for Arabs, maybe next year. You know, the ball’s in their court.”

2.) “Happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party is so lame!”

1.) “If I had a gun, with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.”

3 thoughts on “15 Funniest Michael Scott Quotes

  1. Lots of great, memorable quotes!

  2. Hahahahhha!

  3. Fav show!!

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